Rediscovering Purpose Through Setbacks: My Reflections on a DNF

The Dirty German 50k in May marked my first DNF. While I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, it turned out to be the catalyst for a profound reconnection with my "why." Let me rewind a bit and set the stage.

Recently, my boyfriend pointed out a recurring theme in Tom Cruise movies—how he starts at the pinnacle of success, encounters an unexpected setback, and navigates self-doubt to rediscover his greatness. I'm certainly no Tom Cruise, but my DNF felt eerily akin to that cinematic "knocked-on-his-a$$" moment. Training unfolded seamlessly, nutrition was spot-on, and I entered the race brimming with momentum—only to face a DNF. Logically the right decision due to dehydration, but a confidence blow nonetheless. If you've had a DNF, you likely get it. I withdrew after one loop, retreated home, and surrendered to a weekend of rest.

Body and mind dance in tandem. When the mind falters, the body follows suit. Regrettably, what ensued were weeks of self-pity and doubt. Each run became a battle, questioning my capabilities and my identity as a runner. I delved into the rabbit hole, repeatedly asking, "Why am I even doing this?" Realization hit: somewhere along the way, life stress and performance goals overshadowed my "why." It lingered, obscured, no longer setting the pace.

A Facebook query— "Why do you run?" —yielded responses like "To be healthier" or "For beer." Initially echoing the health sentiment, I realized it's more an outcome than a driving force. I could adopt a healthy lifestyle through biking or swimming (maybe not swimming—I'd drown). Why run? Down the rabbit hole I ventured, and at its deepest recess, I found it:

Running is sacred solo time. Since my running journey commenced in 2012, it's been my pause button, an opportunity for quality alone time amidst life's chaos. Spending time alone terrifies and liberates me simultaneously, offering inner peace—meditation in running shoes.

If you resonate with any part of this, I urge you to keep digging. Join me down that rabbit hole! I assure you, we'll unearth your "why" at its core.